I feel a little silly to be honest.
I’ve exiled myself to my apartment for the weekend in order to work on a paper that I have yet to do anything with…but I digress. I was here and decided to order pizza…one of the deals was a medium pizza, a dessert cinnamon thing and a coke. So I got it. I sat there eating one of the cinnamon sticks and literally something inside me snapped a little. I had this thought, “what are you doing?!” I threw it in the box and tossed it all in the trash can. It took all I had not to throw it all back up just to get it out. I felt disgusted. With myself, with my choices, with the fact that I continually put myself in that position…then I thought, “Jessica: 1”
I made one decision that was one step in the right direction and I have to be proud of that. I hold it in my head that I am going to Greece this summer. Six months from now and I have never wanted…See…Cyprus is supposedly the birthplace of Aphrodite, goddess of love. I joked with my coworker that I need to get in shape so that I can find my oil baron (or anyone who can build me the Naomi Campbell ‘Eye of Horus‘ house) but really, I’m looking to really just step into myself more. I want to go to the place I’ve always loved being the person that I have worked at loving, the person I am most committed to. I want to feel like one me.
…and now for the 7th impossible thing
I have been thinking a lot about my next tattoo. One thing that keeps haunting me (in a good way) is the Orwell piece about the elephant going must. I’ve toyed with the idea of getting “must” or most recently the image of a small trumpeting elephant holding a dandelion in its trunk–then the Tao enso…then this 7th impossible thing. They all circulate in my head and I can’t help but wonder which will be the one. I thought about even getting two maybe “m7st” or “mus7”, it will come to me when the time is right.
I was cleaning out my old blackberry and I found a note with names I wanted for my children. Jamesyn Every, Jillian Lively…but I really think I might want Jillian’s middle name to be Light and Jamesyn’s to be Love. Love and Light. I want the things that are important to me to be with the two most important people I haven’t met yet. Two. *laughs*. Guess it’s going to be one by one for my two. There’s pretty much nothing more I want in the world more than to be a mother. So I will continue to make the right ones.